Is it anxiety or intuition?
In romance, it’s probably both
If you’ve been single during this tech-cursed decade, you’ll be familiar with the phenomenon – the digital vibe shift. Almost imperceptible at first, executed in degrees. Replies that once came instantly, now dragging in days later. Stories supplemented by photos, suddenly absent. Less questions, then none.
It’s a dating death sentence: the vibe is off.
When I had that feeling at the end of last year, I couldn’t tell if it was anxiety or intuition. Were my past dating disasters conspiring against me, sabotaging something real? Or did some part of me know, deep down, that it was already over?
At first, I tried fighting my anxiety with facts. We’d met by chance in Croatia – a magical meet cute filled with sea swims and sunsets – and he’d been consistent ever since. On two occasions, he’d taken international flights to see me. I’d been so happy that a random woman in a shop asked if I was in love.
Surely, his feelings hadn’t changed; long-distance romance was just a challenge.
To cope with my unease, I took myself out. I went on a crisp autumnal walk along East London’s canals. The sky was clear blue and leaves were still on the trees – green, gold and crimson. I ordered an oat latte and read my new Sally Rooney novel in Victoria Park, a Hackney cliché. The hours disappeared as I sat at my laptop, working on my writing. And then he called, and everything was fine.
Until it wasn’t.
It took a few more weeks to play out, but he did end up disappearing in exactly the way I’d feared – four months of romance ending in a silent fade-out that broke my heart.
Both anxiety and intuition are responses to situations in which you’re lacking information. Your body and your brain piece things together – ruminating on the past and imagining the future. They feel very similar, but really, neither is predictive.
Whether you’ve been together for twelve days or twelve years, you are always going to be faced with the great unknown – the other person and their feelings.
I’ve started casually dating again recently, and I can sense the fear in my friends and family. I’ve had a lot of heartache and disappointment, maybe more than most. And I understand people’s hesitancy to see me get hurt again.
But isn’t every relationship a risk?
Yes, I’m more likely to get hurt by a boy I met on the beach a few weeks ago than a husband waiting at home. But that husband could fall madly in love on the ferry to work, or drink too much and make an unforgivable mistake, or simply fall out of love on an unremarkable afternoon. Not to mention all the other tragedies that can befall our frail, human bodies.
Connecting with people is inherently hazardous. Because no matter what, we will eventually lose those who are important to us. It’s the only certainty in life.
The good news is, whether it’s irrational anxiety, or spot-on intuition, both offer the same path forward. You can never predict other people’s feelings, but you can always pay attention to your own.
So if you feel the vibe shift – whether it’s digital doom from a long-distance lover, a sinking feeling with your fiancée, or a subtle shift in your soulmate – first put the focus on yourself. Anxiety and intuition are simply signposts to tune into your thoughts and feelings.
I like to scribble in a journal, swim in the ocean, or stomp around in fresh air with Florence + The Machine in my headphones. When you connect with yourself, unexpected insights can surface.
From there, you can communicate. Or end things. Or decide that actually, it has nothing to do with the other person at all.
When dealing with other human beings, hurt is inevitable. The only thing you can control is yourself.
Pursuing romantic connections can be a risky process. But it’s also my favourite thing in the world. Maybe if I was a different kind of person, I would be more cautious, cutting things off the second they didn’t align perfectly with what I wanted. But after all my interactions with anxiety and intuition, I know myself pretty well.
And I know that I want to be bold and take risks and be a little bit foolish. Because I am in love with people, and in love with love, and I’ll never let the fear of getting hurt prevent me from having a romantic adventure.
The more trust I build in myself, the less dangerous dating feels. Because after all those surges of intuition and floods of anxiety, I know what I want. To fall in love, yes. But also to have life-affirming adventures on the way. To meet new people and swap stories and have fun in all its forms. To remain honest and open and to see where a connection could lead.
And if it ends in heartache, so be it. Hotties get their hearts broken. Failed romances become another chapter of my love story.
And so far, it’s one I want to keep writing for a little while longer.
Readers, I’d love to hear from you! If you have a romantic query or a life question you’d like me to write about, you can contact me anonymously here.
The constant debate that goes on in my head daily🤕
Dear Gabriela, everything you write is a peace of art💗