To all the boys I’ve loved before

What I've learnt from ex-lovers

If you’re a single woman, there is no better feeling than zooming home in an Uber across Sydney Harbour Bridge, powered only by prosecco and freedom.

Tonight, as I head home alone, Maggie Rogers’ “Say It" is playing on repeat in my (millennial, corded) headphones.

I cannot fall in love with you / I cannot feel this way so soon (so soon) /

I cannot be this way with you / I cannot fall in love with you

And as I often do, I’m thinking about long-lost loves.

My poor little heart has been through a lot in the last year. An old friend briefly became a lover, then returned to being a friend again. A long-distance romance fell apart, even though we ended up living in the same place after all. Someone I hadn’t seen in nearly a decade took a flight to see me, only to break my heart. During that period, my entire life shifted on its axis, and I accidentally moved home to Sydney from London. But that’s another story.

Now, I’m dating casually. For the first time in years, it feels good. Fun and easy and light. I’m being discerning and taking dates slowly. For someone who has always been swept into every single romantic situation that presents itself, it feels radical to choose something so simple – to enjoy myself, but also to protect myself.

For once in my life, I am keeping my heart in a gilded cage. Not trapped, but treasured. Not sadly secluded, but happily solitary.

And I don’t think I’d be capable of that if I hadn’t had so much heartbreak. Because every time I have launched myself into love, I’ve discovered something new along the way. The more I’ve gotten to know myself, the less destabilising I find dating.

But I wouldn’t be who I am without all the boys who came before.

An old polaroid – sharing wines and falling in love on a European balcony.

So in the spirit of gratitude, here is a little list of the things they’ve taught me. In the words of Ariana Grande, and with love, “Thank you, next.”

Without you, I may never have known:

• How to say “I love you” in Danish.

• Communication is hot. It can also be the antidote to anxiety.

• If he tells you he doesn’t want anything serious, believe him.

• If he tells you he doesn’t want to hurt you, run.

• They are never leaving their girlfriend.

• The horrors of Hinge are worth it for that great first date, when you share a bottle of rosé, and you want to touch their arm, and they ask you out again before the date is even over. Bliss.

• Kissing in the rain is not overrated.

• How it feels to be fairly certain that you’ll be together again, whether it’s in two years or twenty. And how it feels to be right.

• Emotional and physical intimacy don’t always align. But your brain can be tricked by your body. Have fun, but bear that in mind.

• It’s better to be honest and single than lying to find love.

• After a 24-hour-sleepover, someone can like you so much that they ask you to stay again that night. Feeling so wanted and safe can change relationships forever.

• Old school romance can be liberating. It is hard being a woman in the world and it’s okay to be taken care of a little, if that feels good for you. To let them open your car door and call the restaurant and carry your bag if it’s heavy.

• My favourite thing in the world is to ask lovers honest questions and get honest answers. Especially if it’s on a candlelit balcony by the sea, with a bottle of wine.

• Human rights are not something to disagree on with someone you’re sharing a bed with.

• Romance is teaching your parents about your girlfriend’s weird comfort meal, so they can cook it for her when she comes to Copenhagen.

• Romance is also writing for someone.

• Or reading their words and preserving them like they’re a priceless heirloom.

• Beach dates are the best. Or the worst.

• If you’ve been single for a long time, a tragic, perfect, devastating weekend can sustain your soul for a while longer.

• Often, but not always, they come crawling back.

• History and timing are a powerful combination that can cause a lot of damage.

• You should avoid breakups at train stations and airports at all costs.

• If it feels too good to be true, it most likely is. But who cares. Feel too good. It won’t last forever.

• My brain and my body are intrinsically linked, actually. So you better love me as a writer and as a woman or I don’t think I can love you back.

• But I will love you back, if you let me. And how lucky is that?

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I love hearing from you! If you’re in need of some romantic advice or want to tell me about your fated love affairs, you can get in touch here.